Commentary: Are university-educated women in Singapore asking too much for marriage? No
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Commentary: Are university-educated women in Singapore asking too much for union? No
Near one in five female university grads in their 40s is single. Three such women tell Tracy Lee why.
(Photo: Pexels/Ketut Subiyanto)
28 Jun 2022 07:35PM (Updated: 30 Jun 2022 01:27PM)
SINGAPORE: Every decade, the unveiling of the latest Singapore Population Census data holds some delicious morsels of data of who nosotros are as a nation.
The latest 2022 iteration surveyed 150,000 households. I finding that jumped out at me was singlehood becoming more than common amidst males with lower educational qualifications, and among females with higher educational qualifications.
More specifically, 21.1 per cent of men aged 40 to 49 who did non complete secondary school were single in 2020, compared with 12.3 per cent of men in the same historic period grouping who went to university.
Similarly, viii.7 per cent of women aged 40 to 49 who did non complete secondary school were single in 2020, but eighteen.vii per cent of women in this age group who went to university were single – a effigy that was roughly the aforementioned 10 years ago.
READ: Slowest decade of population growth in Singapore since independence: Census 2020
According to the book The Adapted Heed: Evolutionary Psychology and the Generation of Culture past anthropologists Jerome Barkow and John Tooby and psychologist Leda Cosmides, characteristics that women link to high mate value include economical status, willingness to invest in relationships, security, and control of resources.
And then information technology is not difficult to see why men who only completed primary schoolhouse and may be more likely to accept lower paying jobs, remain unattached. Especially in a country like Singapore where cost of living is high, and where the economy is driven by high-knowledge industries such as finance, info-communications, and value-added manufacturing.
Factor in the sky-high cost of housing, cars, and raising children who need tuition to survive the system – information technology'south no wonder there are and so many dual-career couples. In fact, they course the largest grouping among married couples, increasing from 47.i per cent in 2010 to 52.v per cent in 2020.
(She went into despair each time she had to breastfeed. Only Elizabeth Quek says there's one thing that made all the difference in this hard motherhood journeying on CNA'south Heart of the Thing's podcast.)
ENTER THE EDUCATED WOMAN
Given how expensive and competitive life in Singapore is, you would think a university-educated career adult female would have sky-high mate value. She'd be in the best position to help pes the bills, teach the children heuristic math models and give their partners helpful career advice and contacts.
Merely no – one in five university-educated women in their 40s is single. What gives? Are they also picky, too decorated, too independent, as well intimidating?
Since quite a few of my girlfriends fall into the "single, tertiary-educated xl-something careerwoman" demographic, I reached out to three of them for insights.
Media consultant Hwee, who's 48 and in a long-term relationship (neither she nor her partner wish to get married), admits she can be hard to handle even though she never had trouble getting dates, or entering a series of long-term relationships.
"Since my 20s, I've had guys tell me that I'chiliad too outspoken, also independent, likewise intimidating,'' adding that while she's mostly "fun to exist with, low-maintenance and chill" she still ended up in big arguments with past boyfriends over ideological differences and broke upward with them.
"I said if we were to get married, I'd have to catechumen to his religion. Another said he would go married but if nosotros had kids, knowing full well I didn't desire any. Then he got an overseas posting, but there was no mode I was going to give up my job to move with him if we weren't getting married."
"Still another was all for my career, except that he enjoyed gloating over how much more money he made than me," she recalls.
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It's something she can't aid, she says. "If I practise see b*******, I call it out. I don't see why I accept to defer to someone who's clearly wrong, unreasonable, or idiotic,'' she says emphatically.
"Maybe I've been unlucky in honey? Besides unwilling to compromise? Bad at picking the right kind of guy? Missed some invisible 'disquisitional deadline' for marrying by 35?" she muses.
1 guy she went on a couple of dinners with told her point blank she was too smart for her own good.
"He said I was good company merely it was hard for him to imagine being in a human relationship with me. He said I was better off dating foreigners who could 'tahan outspoken women'."
"Can y'all imagine that comment came from a elevation lawyer in his 50s? Then if fifty-fifty smart, successful, outspoken, older men are intimidated by me, what nigh the average dude?" she wonders.
GIVING UP TOO MUCH?
But dig deeper and y'all find a whole host of other concerns. Women similar Hwee earn a skilful go on, they have apartments and are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
Marriage is well-nigh kids at the end of the day, she tells me. And that's where the biggest rub lies.
Let's go real nigh who does the heavy lifting, she says. "I feel in matrimony and motherhood, the woman gets the short finish of the stick. It tin concord back her career, while burdening her with the king of beasts's share of household responsibilities."
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At 45, she finally met someone who admires her independent mind and lifestyle but is non nigh to step into the Registry of Marriages anytime shortly.
Dee, a 43-twelvemonth-old project manager has these exact sentiments – she's had 5 long-term relationships but they ended when the men wanted a family unit.
"Many friends say I should have gotten married, so I will change my listen virtually having kids at a afterward stage. I don't agree. I accept also seen my married friends fighting over frivolous things, and going through divorces, and I don't understand why did they put themselves through this," she observes.
READ: Commentary: Couples who stay in unhappy unions for the sake of children may finish up harming them
She says she doesn't have an platonic guy, and is open to dating someone who earns less than her – she'south washed that before. But she's had a fair share of the proverbial frogs in the dating scene.
EMBRACING SINGLEHOOD
For my educated female person friends, dating is a hitting and miss in Singapore – they run into angry men on the rebound, nervous wrecks who retrieve women are out to cheat them and the downright weirdos who send pictures of their genitalia.
The sheer tedium of it means many of these women merely continue leading the rich, full lives they've always had – working hard, exploring the world for work or play, tending to dogs, cats and plants, and taking up interesting hobbies. Those who savour the company of children (without the full responsibilities of parenthood), dote on nieces, nephews and friends' kids.
But for many, like my friend Melanie, a senior advertisement executive in her early on 40s, poor relationships in her past have made it very clear what she won't settle for.
Are her standards unreasonably high? No, she says and gain to give me a list.
- Non abusive and no cheaters
- Ideally two to 5 years older than me
- Have spent time / worked overseas
- Decent looking (let'south get real... there is only i Robert Downey Junior and one Hugh Jackman in this world, and they are both taken)
- Is financially self-sufficient/stable
- Loves and respects his parents (only no mummy's boy please)
- Willing to have open conversations, not afraid to laugh at himself and is fairly sociable.
- He must exist able to get along with my friends. Oh, and it's important that he has his own friends too
- Confident, not the jealous type, willing to give me space
- Is well spoken and carries himself well
- Able to accept that I love my task, and leave me to it
Will she accept that potential dates may find this a loftier bar and then she may be forever unmarried?
"If information technology doesn't happen, information technology's fine. No i volition die. I'd rather be single and happy, than attached just irritated."
Tracy Lee is a freelance writer who writes about food, travel, fashion and dazzler.
Editor's note: The headline has been edited to amend reflect the substance of the Commentary.
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Source: https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/commentary/census-single-40s-women-men-single-dating-career-salary-marriage-249046
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